Did you know that feelings suchlike rejection, abandonment, or heartache are like the modern-day equivalents to physical pain? That’s right – the brain recognises these emotions as ‘danger!’. At one time, in the Stone Age, when our brain would detect danger, it would send signals to help protect us from such harm, only this coping mechanism is outdated by thousands of years. The brain may not process physical and emotional pain in the very same way, though now, we exert these characteristics to proactively deal with our emotions.
Pain can change perspectives, and no matter the circumstance, perspective always overrides it. If we are mistreated our perspective can turn sour. And it’s sad, but insecurity within a relationship often drives people apart with bitterness.
Here’s my perspective: We cannot expect those who we blame for our suffering to suddenly qualify to heal us. If two people are mismatched to their way of thinking, it becomes difficult to symphasise with them and make basic compromises, thereby growing further and further apart and developing resentment.
Being co-dependent is a trauma response.
When a person causes us harm or distress, we search for recovery in them because we feel as though they hold the answers to our healing, whereas the other person feels responsible for our pain.
The thing is: people are allowed to make mistakes without being held accountable forever. What’s annoying is that bitterness stays dormant until there is a solution to the problem, but because of the resentment we feel, we remind this person of the mistakes they made, over and over, until it becomes nothing but an unhealthy rumination.
People grow and evolve all the time; they do not want to be defined by a perception that we have of them that they don’t even fit anymore, and as part of their boundaries rather than an offense, they have a right to self-forgiveness. We cannot make someone relive their mistakes over and over as punishment, and then expect a positive change.
Projecting our feelings onto others to control or manipulate.
We cannot use someone’s acknowledgement of their mistakes and weaponise it against them without this inflicting more pain onto others and ourselves, but this illogically corruptive coping mechanism is often an impulsive spur of the moment response thereby discomforting to accept true incompatibly.
Trying to control somebody who isn’t compatible to us.
Sometimes it is only unspoken expectations, incompatibilities, and conflict of opinions that make us insecure within a co-dependent relationship rather than inherent worth.
The elements that ignite inherent worth do not mean we should expect someone to modify their persona to match ours when they are simply incompatible to us. Trying to control somebody who we are not compatible with is an unhealthy example of independent healing.
We also cannot define someone by their mistakes when we don’t share the same outlooks or mentalities, nor can we justify our controlling behaviours with all the things that they did to us, to manipulate them into doing what’s best for us and not them.
Looking for happiness in the same place it got lost.
When we depend on others for happiness we are wholly relying that they do not make selfish decisions that inevitably make us sad. And it is by depending on someone else to make us happy, that our sadness depends on the behaviours of someone else.
I no longer want somebody else to be able to control what makes me happy and what makes me sad – neither project my grief onto someone else to modify somebody’s true reaction. I do not want to manufacturer any feelings that were never a natural inheritance.
Don’t become a watered-down version of yourself to hinder upsetting people.
By settling for a life full of What If’s, we discard our own long-term contentment and fail our true selves. If by avoiding situations that acquire the approval from someone else, then we need to be prepared for a lifetime full of disappointment and malcontentment. It is through discomfort that we master comfort, and if we fear change we will always remain in the same place.